Finding Support Through the Journey of Parenthood

by Carolyn LoScuito, LCPC and mom of 2

Parenting is hard!  If someone tries to tell you that it’s not, then chances are that either: they are not themselves a parent, or they are not telling the truth!

In our rapidly changing world, parents have a lot to contend with: technology, peers, family and friends with their own opinions on raising children.

The truth of the matter is, as far as I can tell from my 13 years as a parent (14 years if you include the pregnancy; which let’s be real, we should!) is that there is no “one size fits all approach” in raising kids.

The Best Approach?

When it comes to the “right” or “best” approach, this is a loaded question.  When parents ask me for parenting advice or suggestions, I always start first by checking in with their intuition.  I never want to override parental intuition or instinct; it is definitely important to leave a seat at the table for our inner knowledge, even when we can’t quite put a finger on “how” we know what we know or think we know.

More often than not, intuition can pave the way for decisions to follow.  That being said, there are some important considerations to keep in mind.

Stages, Phases, and Individuality

Your child’s developmental stage will play a key role in parenting decisions.  What my 13 year old needs and what my 10 year old needs are two completely different topics.  Of course, the same basic needs apply to all children: the need to feel safe, loved, seen, heard, and valued as an individual.

But the developmental stage can’t be disregarded.  My teen’s need for time with friends is greater than my 10 year old’s desire to spend every waking hour either on the phone with or in the presence of his friends.  

For both of my boys, their time with me and their father is important; but in different ways and for different reasons for each of them.

Circling Back

So what is the “best approach”?... Trick question!  But, the human brain likes answers, so for the sake of giving us something to anchor to (and to come up with our own answers), let’s say that a healthy dose of intuition, accounting for developmental stage, and leaving space for each child’s individual needs and unique qualities is a nice base to start!

Special Needs

Tuning in to your intuition can help you to attend to the needs of your child.  Behaviors are a window into our children’s inner world, and can point to areas where they (and we) need some extra support. 

From a personal standpoint, by being aware of the patterns with my kids’ behaviors, I’ve been able to identify where they have needed extra help at school and with social-emotional learning.  From a professional standpoint, I have helped parents to navigate this process of putting resources in place. Some examples of resources are: therapeutic services, 504 plans, IEPs, and support groups. 

Don’t forget about yourself

Parenting (in my humble opinion) is the toughest job on the planet.  It is also the best job; beyond worth it. Becoming a mom was the best decision I’ve ever made.  It has pushed me to limits that I never knew existed, and has helped me to know myself in a brand new way (while I simultaneously help my kids to discover who they are).

It is, of course, exhausting and can at times be overwhelming and accompanied by a range of intense emotions.  Anxiety and overwhelm are not uncommon for parents.  This is where we need to be honest with ourselves and tune in to our inner world. 

Anxiety and stress can provide us with important information about our experience and our needs; and while there can be a helpful/positive aspect to anxiety, at times it can feel like a heavy weight to bear.  Coping skills and adequate self-care (“putting our oxygen mask on first”) are essential to prevent burnout.  

Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor can help us to feel less alone.  Building a social support network can take time, but is well worth it.  Support, whether in the form of a social circle, parenting groups, or therapeutic support can help parents to meet their social-emotional needs, so that in turn they can help meet the needs of their children.